i wish tears tasted sweet

our alarms were set at five in the morning. my plan was to make my husband some coffee. then i’d kiss him goodbye. he’d quietly leave in the darkness of the night in a 14 foot u-haul.

instead

at four on the nose, i woke up to the sound of a phone call. it was an unsettling one. the kind that makes you actually sit up and then get out of bed. the hubs couldn’t fall back sleep and decided to get a head start instead.

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the truck was packed like a can of sardines. it was overwhelming to look at. there were a couple more boxes to put in, before he toke off. my mind felt like that overstuffed, overburdened vehicle. i shook my head, “we should have gotten a seventeen footer”. to which my hubby responded,”they were all out”. i sighed. before he closed the door he said, “you should get some rest”. I sighed once again. you could have probably heard my mind gearing up and spinning, if the truck wasn’t so darn loud.

when he drove away, i felt emotional and worried. “see you on wednesday. i’ll see you tomorrow night”, i said in my head. it sounded more like a question than a statement.

my heart sank a little more.

i have this fear you see. one which is difficult to explain unless you struggle with anxiety or the effects of a traumatic experience.

after exchanging a few text messages, i realized there wasn’t much i could do about the present situation. i decided to dissect the complexity of my feelings. then i came across a draft, written on the twenty-third of last month.

you know you’ve cried a lot when you have the salty after taste in your mouth. Also, when you’re head feels like it’s about to explode and your nose is resembles rudolph. I woke up this morning feeling quite emotional and beyond exhausted. major mood swings and a fussy toddler just adds insult to injury. Then I discovered we were completely out of sugar, which meant no coffee! I’ve  pretty much been a walking zombie until now. i guess I was holding in so much, for so long. i was a volcano and i erupted. i’d just had enough! it wasn’t about not having my usual cup of joe or my poor baby girl. no sir, it was a lot deeper than that.

i’d completely forgotten about this post, which i left open-ended. not intentionally, but because the chaos of that day just toke over.

when i read this for the second time, i knew it was in-fact time to leave the new york/ new jersey area. i called it “home” since i could remember though. yet, it was also a place with memories i’d wish i could forget. my husband’s full-time job offer and this move has been a long time coming, actually. we need to do this for ourselves, our marriage, our sanity and daughter’s future.

i remind myself of all these important, responsible reasons. simultaneously, i have this sensation of going to florida empty-handed. especially after our wake up call, those bittersweet sentiments really hit me. there i was, playing tug of war like i’ve done before. i replayed the scenario of leaving the familiar, the ones i care about and those things which i haven’t resolved.

i want closure. i want to finish this chapter with a good ending, before starting another one.

i wish there was more time, but time doesn’t wait for anyone.

tick tock. tick tock.

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…and just like that, the birds start chirping a beautiful symphony. i look out to the prettiest sunrise i’ve seen all winter long.

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my daughter rolls over and nestles her tiny body against mine. i then recall izabella’s newest fascination with the word ‘sthon’ (sun). i can’t help but smile. not just about the pronunciation, but that she’s in for a real treat when we settle into the sunshine state.

tick tock.

the clock strikes seven, and it becomes more real to me….

in twenty-four hours from now i’ll be heading out to the airport with my nineteen month old and my baggage in tow. i’m trying to carry light, because i want to start this new part right. i’ll have the essentials. you know– my toothbrush, diapers for the babe, and a partially broken heart with a spirit full of hope.

raquel

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6 thoughts on “i wish tears tasted sweet

  1. Alex says:

    good luck with your move. I live in a wonderful city, but I dream to move somewhere new one day in the future. Not too far, but not too close. I also suffer from anxiety so I know how hard it must be (when I was away for two months last year I suffered from regular anxiety attacks), but you’re making a new start. So many people dream to be able to do that. Enjoy every minute of making a new start :)

  2. Monica E says:

    :( We are in the process of moving to a new town as well. In fact, as I read and type this, movers are packing up our belongings. Moving is always surreal. I hope you settle in quickly and your new adventure is amazing!

  3. alaskachick says:

    Are you in the sunshine state yet? :)

    You made it! Wow. Raquel, I know the heart breaks when we “move on” but try to focus on all the HUGE adventures you, your sweetheart and precious babe will have.

    (You know you will be much happier with all the sun!)

    I’ll be thinking of you all so keep us posted on your new spot. And stay happy, sweetie, you have so much joy inside you to share.

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